Clinical Psychologist "Dr. Stephan B.Poulter" - In The News: "New Star News Online - 'Dad likely had profound impact on your work ethic'"

Dad likely had profound impact on your work ethic

By Katherine Reynolds Lewis
Newhouse News Service
June, 2006

Your father likely provided your first window onto the working world. You watched him pack up briefcase or toolbox. You heard talk about office politics and work pressures.

His influence is obvious when you follow his choice of profession or take over a family business. But even when you pick a completely different career, you may trace your work ethic, attitude toward bosses or emotional engagement with work to your dad.

He shadows you on the job in part because he's an authority figure, said Stephan Poulter, a Los Angeles-based psychologist and author of Father Factor: How Your Father's Legacy Affects Your Career.

"We project that relationship into the workplace," Poulter said. "Even though you may not have had a close relationship with your father or (even) known him, he still has a tremendous influence on your career and work relationships."

Over and over, Poulter sees patients who hit a glass ceiling at work, or bounce from job to job. It's not until they understand their relationship with their fathers that they identify the stumbling block.

Poulter identifies five styles of fathering: a passive father, an absent father, a compassionate mentor, a super achiever, and an abusive or "time bomb" father. Each carries consequences for the child, and each has strengths and weaknesses. A father may show a combination of styles, but usually one is dominant.

Passive is the most common style. This father is emotionally distant from his children but a responsible provider. He may feel threatened if his offspring surpass his professional success.

Many baby boomers grew up with passive dads, and many became passive fathers in turn, Poulter said. Children of passive dads can have trouble connecting to and communicating with colleagues or subordinates, he said.

"The passive dad leaves a great work ethic," Poulter said. "The downside is a sense of neglect and emotional reluctance."

Rick Rodgers, 47, a financial planner in Lancaster, Pa., remembers his father working all day at his appliance repair shop, and then plowing the fields of the family farm until 10 p.m.

When Rodgers started a brokerage training program at age 25, he had finished only vocational school. His rivals were in their 30s or 40s with college degrees; many were certified public accountants or attorneys.

"I remember thinking, 'They're probably all smarter than me and better connected, but I can work any one of them into the ground,'" he said. "That was true. I outworked them all. I'd start in the morning and work until the evening, and on the weekend. That I got from my dad."

Rodgers sees his parents monthly and the extended family goes camping once a year. But his conversations with his father remain largely on the surface. He said his father has not once inquired about the business or asked for help with retirement planning.

"It bothers me," Rodgers said. "That would be like acknowledging that I'm good at what I do. It's like I'm still 10 years old, running around getting mud on the floor."

Poulter's second type of father, an absent one, goes a step further and divorces himself from the family emotionally - or leaves his children's lives altogether.

"You can have an absent dad and live with him every day," Poulter said. "That really leaves a vacuum in us. Many times that produces an angry person, you feel rejected. You have a very hard time forming trusting, stable relationships."

The upside is that the anger can be redirected into motivation to excel. But children of absent fathers may find it hard to trust authority and to believe managers or employers won't abandon them. Many become entrepreneurs.

The compassionate mentor is the ideal father, supportive and connected to his children. He encourages them to take risks and pursue their passions, setting the stage for a fulfilling career and healthy workplace relationships.

"If you had a very positive relationship with your dad, you bring a positive relationship to the workplace," Poulter said.

When Tami Lindsley of Mt. Angel, Ore., developed a fascination with race cars as a teenager, her father - a farmer who grew row crops and berries - bought her a car and helped her drive it.

"He jumped off that cliff with me," said Lindsley, 35. "We were always painting that stupid car."

In her former job as a teacher, Lindsley had positive relationships with supervisors and co-workers. She now works at a nursery and feels she has rediscovered her roots, toiling with plants.

Melinda Walsh, 48, an advertising consultant in Baton Rouge, La., remembers her father advising her to follow her passion in work. A chemical engineer, he gave up dreams of becoming a band leader in order to provide for his family.

"So many of my friends didn't get that kind of encouragement. The message they got from their father was, 'Go into a lucrative career, or become a doctor because I was a doctor,'" Walsh said. "That support was an amazing gift from him."

Poulter's super-achiever focuses on appearance and accomplishment, and pushes his children hard. They may feel they can never be good enough. Self-doubt causes many later to have conflicts with supervisors or become underachievers. Others, shunning authority figures, become entrepreneurs.

"Children of super-achiever fathers really struggle with shame," Poulter said.

When Christopher McEntee was growing up in West Caldwell, N.J., his father traveled all over the world for work and rose to the level of chief financial officer of his corporation. "Wait until your father gets home," was the common refrain when the children misbehaved or achieved poor school results.

"I was a little bit of a crazy child; I got into some trouble," said McEntee, 38. "He made it very clear that he expected high standards. I look back and say maybe that was a little hard on me. ... If there was a row of A's, the thing he honed in on was the one B."

The time bomb father is angry and volatile, prone to unpredictable outbursts. As a result, children learn to read other people and gauge their moods - a useful skill for the workplace. But they may also become fearful of conflict and go to extreme lengths to avoid intense interpersonal situations. Or, they emulate their fathers with critical and confrontational behavior toward co-workers and subordinates, Poulter said.

Poulter said changes in circumstance - your father's retirement, your own parenthood - can also transform your relationship, and in turn influence your career.

McEntee's father retired around the time the son graduated from college and won awards for poetry and creative writing. His dad encouraged him to pursue a career in journalism and was supportive when McEntee later decided to ride the dot-com wave, then to pursue an MBA.

"He's mellowed a lot," said McEntee, who is now a public relations executive in Atlanta. "Traditionally we didn't have a lot of common ground, but as I grew as a businessman we found it. ... I consider him a great man; he's my greatest role model."

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